England – January 21st - February 3rd, 2009
Day 1: Wednesday January 21st, 2009
The last time I was in England was back in 2001 when I travelled with my friend, Rob Noon, and stayed with his cousins who were house sitting a recently closed down pub. We attempted several times to visit London, but those plans always fell through when faced with how everyone felt the morning after late night libations. It was a bit comical and I wrote a song called “Never Made It To London” based on this.
Captain Pyrite - Never Made It To London (live)
Click here to listen
However, this time around I was adamant to see London so I made sure we flew into Heathrow Airport in London with the idea of sightseeing the first few days before heading to Nuneaton, the town where Rob’s family resides. We were a bit tipsy before we boarded the plane (thanks Courtney). The plan was to pass out on the plane and get some sleep so we would be refreshed for England. It didn’t work.
Day 2: Thursday January 22nd, 2009
When we landed we met up with the lads, James (Rob’s cousin), Warrick, and Doncaster. We dropped off our bags at our hotel and went sightseeing. The bag room at the Bayswater Inn made me a bit nervous at it was a room where people stored their bags until they could check in. I kept my fingers crossed that nothing would be stolen. We walked out of the underground trains (the Tube) right at the base of Big Ben. It was impressive to come out of the tube and look straight up at Big Ben.
Then we saw Parliament and the London Eye (though we didn’t go up). We walked down the street and took a tour of Westminster Abbey. A couple of the lads were kicked out of the Abbey for bad behavior.
We had trouble checking into the hotel much to James’s displeasure. After a heated argument we got our rooms. James was determined to take vengeance at the hotel later on in the night. We put on our dress shoes (nice shoes are big thing in the UK as they will not let you into clubs without them) and visited the clubs down in Soho.
We had a good time finally ending up in Chinatown. As we were walking to a Chinese restaurant for a late dinner it came up in conversation that James has a Prince Albert. Now if you know anything about dudes with a Prince Albert is that they are compelled to show you no matter how vociferously you refuse. In the middle of the street James displayed his Prince Albert right before we were going to eat. Thanks James.
After eating James was having a fag (British slang for a cigarette) outside before we caught a cab back to the hotel. The Brits are quite aware what fag means in America and think it’s funny. A disheveled black lad came up and asked James for a light. James handed him a lighter and the young lad then pulled out his glass crack pipe and took a big ol’ puff and handed back the lighter. We couldn’t believe it.
Back at the hotel James wanted vengeance for his earlier run in with the hotel staff. His first idea was to saw down one leg of the beds a quarter of an inch so that they would be uneven. Instead, he cut out letters from the sightseeing literature from the lobby and spelled foul and nasty words in the light fixtures in our rooms. I soon began to realize that all English men never really grow up; instead, they just get bigger.
Day 3: Friday January 23rd, 2009
Today we saw Buckingham Palace (the Queen was not in), Trafalgar Square, Camden Market, stopped in Harrods department store, and took a quick stroll through the National Gallery. We ate dinner in Piccadilly Circus and again frequented some pubs in Soho. I should also mention the Brits like to drink, a lot.
We travelled around London via the tube. Neither the trains or the tube station have bathrooms. The nearest public toilets are in pubs. After one painful train ride all five of us sprinted into the nearest pub. I was in such a critical hurry that I actually tore open my underwear. It was a small price to pay for the relief. Many words are different in England than America and one example is pants. What we call pants in America, the Brits call trousers and what we call underwear they call pants. Needless to say all sorts of comedy can arise when an American talks about his pants pockets.
Day 4: Saturday January 24th, 2009
Rob is shattered and is hardly alive. Going by percentages of health, Rob said he was at 23%. We saw the London Bridge and the Tower of London today.
After some food we went back and checked out of our hotel. Rob was in such bad shape by this point James had to carry his luggage for him. I believe he said he was down to 17% health.
His pale white skin, sunken dead eyes, and bright red chapped lips made Rob US look like an evil clown.
The lads took the train back to Nuneaton while Rob’s Uncle Keith and his cousin Rob Noon picked us up by car. For sake of confusion for having two Rob Noons, we labeled each as Rob UK and Rob US.
Rob UK and his lovely girlfriend Sara are house sitting a gorgeous estate. The house is very large and Rob US and I have our own rooms, which is fantastic because I no longer have to listen to Rob US snore all night. That night was the “reNOONian” dinner as all the Noon clan gathered together. I met James’s bride to be, Lorraine. The two are getting married on Saturday. Loraine was a bit tipsy and I chattered her up for a long time before she got ill and had to leave early. She’s a pistol and I can see how she keeps a loose cannon like James in line. A group of us ended up going out to the club Liquid.
In England, no one brings a coat with them so we stood in the freezing cold rain waiting to get into the club. The place was filled with a younger crowd dancing and drinking away. At one point James turned to me and said, “Mate, we’re too old to be here.” As the night ended we tried to exit but the police wouldn’t let anyone out because of an “investigation”. Again, after a wait we finally were allowed to leave.
Day 5: Sunday January 25th, 2009
Rob UK, Sara, and I got up for a group lunch while Rob US looked DEAD in his bed (even his arms were crossed). He missed lunch with his uncle Keith, Aunt Janet, James, and Loraine. They took a picture of Keith with his arm around an empty space where Rob US should be and posted it up on Facebook and tagged Rob US in the picture. It was very funny. I had Yorkshire pudding for lunch which is a meat pie with veggies and gravy (the pudding).
Rob US finally arose from the dead and the rest of the day was spent relaxing, eating pizza, and of course having a few drinks in Rob UK’s official drinking room and listening (loudly) to music.
Day 6: Monday January 26th, 2009
We hit the shopping mall today and Warrick bought me a DVD of a British TV comedy called the Inbetweeners. The show is hilarious following four not so cool or smart English teenagers trying to drink, get laid, and all around stay occupied. I also bought a DVD set of a sketch comedy series not available in America called the Fast Show. In the evening we went over to Rob’s Uncle Arthur’s house and visited.
Day 7: Tuesday January 27th, 2009
During the day we helped James with chores like repairing his garden that Warrick had run over with his car the previous night. There are fair amount of differences between homes in the states and the UK. For example, in some houses the light switches are strings that hang from the ceiling. Outlets have an on/off switch on them. Toilets need to be assertively flushed to actually work. In the past glass was in shortage. When glass is blown and made into sheets the center section has a bubble to it. The bubble sections were not thrown away; instead, they were incorporated into the design of homes.
That evening we visited Coventry’s Skydome area and ended up in a club called Jumping Jacks. It was packed with many people from university (what we call college). They select people from the crowd and play games that usually end with the participants naked. Two lovely ladies had to strip down buck naked for the the amusement of the crowd, it was very entertaining.
Day 8: Wednesday January 28th, 2009
Even though Brits and Americans speak the same language, there is quite a bit of English slang that is quite entertaining. Here are a few of my favorites:
She’s Fit - describing a woman who’s very attractive
Leathered – very, very drunk
Shattered – not feeling very well
Bent – describing a man who is a homosexual
Queue – a waiting line
Bumbag – fanny pack
Dirty Slag – a woman who will put anything inside her
Gritter – a girl that a man wants to sleep with
Grotter – a gritter who men do NOT to sleep with
The drink of choice of England is Vodka and Red Bull or Vodka and Coke. Today everyone is a bit slow to move around. James picked up a cold and is feeling sick and is worried about his health for the wedding. He’s decided to stay in for the rest of the week and recover and catch up on some yard work.
Day 9: Thursday January 29th, 2009
Rob UK took us to Riversly Park in Nuneaton. Him and James used to come to this park all the time when they were kids. It had been a few years since he’d last been here. We walked around and visited the small museum. We found a TV thrown in the river with the tube facing down. We figured it’s for all the fish to watch TV.
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That night was the wedding rehearsal. James is still feeling sick while Lorraine went into giggle fits as they practiced their vows. Afterwards we had proper fish and chips wrapped in newspaper. In England chips are fries while potato chips are called crisps. Another delicacy in England is the crisp sandwich. It's exactly what you think it is – take white bread, lather it butter, fill it with the crisps of choice, and smash it all together. I was skeptical at first but it was damn good.
Day 10: Friday January 30th, 2009
Breakfast in England is something to behold. Usually it is a giant plate of deadly sins that consists of fried eggs, large sausage links, grilled tomatoes, beans, back bacon (it’s more like a hunk of sliced ham), and white toast. Sometimes there is black pudding (pigs’ blood). As it was explained to me the only thing you can’t eat on a pig is the oink.
During the day we shot video for a Cribs spoof. Rob UK showed us around his home. We convinced Sara to dress up in skimpy outfits and be in the background while we filmed. It was hilarious. It seemed as is Rob UK lived with 5 identical twins that all loved to do housework in short skirts.
That night 22 of us went to a comedy club in Birmingham. In addition to our tickets we had to pay 15 pounds each for “insurance” that we behave ourselves. With the lot we had I pretty much kissed that money away. Surprisingly, and I mean surprisingly, we only got one warning and eventually got our money back. At one point the power went out in the club and the comic kept going on with his act in the near dark. He was a couple jokes into his act before he realized he was still speaking into the microphone.
Day 11: Saturday January 31st, 2009
Today is wedding day. In the morning we went shopping for spirits to keep in the boot (car trunk). Because the reception hall is going to be so expensive to purchase drinks, everyone is keeping a stash in their cars and hotel room. Rob US and I got a hotel room. It was a disabled room and Rob quickly learned that the strings hanging from the ceiling were not light switches - they were panic alarms. It was hilarious as Rob scrambled to find a way to turn off the alarm.
From start to finish the Wedding and reception went very well. The reception got a bit out of hand by the end, but it was a stunning success. James and Lorraine were very happy.
Day 12: Sunday February 1st, 2009
We rested all day. It began to snow. It rarely snows in England. We were warned that this is not a good sign. We had a nice going away dinner with the lads that evening.
Day 13: Monday February 2nd, 2009
London had its worst snowfall in 18 years which consisted of 3 inches. These 3 inches shut down the entire city and all flights out of Heathrow were cancelled. It was a nightmare but we got our flights reschedule for the next day. We spent our night in a tiny hotel with paper thin walls. We heard screams of people all night and the communal bathroom reeked of Schnapps. It was a long day and night.
Day 14: Tuesday February 3rd, 2009
Today was even longer as it took us 4 hours to check in our bags and get a boarding pass which meant we missed our flight. We got a second flight and it kept being delayed and delayed and then finally delayed again. At one point we were ready to board when they told us to go get a free cup of coffee and wait because the plane had refueling problems. By this point Rob US had lost all patience. He wasn’t the only one, all day I saw people screaming and losing their minds. It was madness. But after 14 hours in the airport, we finally got on our flight and returned back the states, though it would be a few more days until my luggage arrived.
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